saga of the universal remote

Yesterday morning we got a new satellite receiver to replace a fried RCA model that needed to be reset every day. Yesterday I also discovered that my favorite magical friend, the One For All learning universal remote, which had easily replaced every single one of our other remotes in every capacity, could not handle our new receiver.

I thought I could just "teach" it every key and everything would be okay. You know, point any remote at this thing and it can learn the signal. Cumbersome, but reasonable. You can't expect the thing to have every single satellite receiver distributed by the largest satellite TV company in the world. Come on, there must be, like, three models, or four.

Soon I discovered that there is limited memory for learning. Only about 20 keys. When you factor in the keys I had taught it from more obscure functions on the other devices, there was only enough room for a few buttons: the channel, menu, power, and a number or two. Not a Universal experience in the least.

I find a glimmer of hope in the manual. It says that the remote can be upgraded by calling customer service for new devices. Hmmm, 330? Akron. Okay, not an 800 number. Annoying, but it keeps costs down. I call on my cell. Soon after the timer rolls 10 minutes I get a real person on the phone.

He recognizes my problem immediately. "We need to upgrade. Are you on a land line, sir?"

A land line? What the...

"It usually only works on a land line. But let's try it. Set your remote to "upgrade" and hold the earpiece of your phone near the power button on the remote."

tchsssshhhh ka-ching ka-ching tchsssshhhhh...

ERROR

So let me get this straight. There is a microphone located behind the power button that can receive low-baud signals from space? Genius. I'm sure it's probably more accurate and faster than typing, oh, about 10% of the time. And you know everyone uses their land lines for long-distance these days. Call you back on my land line? Sure. Do I call a different number to make sure I get you or bypass the waiting? Nope? Okay.

Soon after the call timer rolls 10 minutes, I'm back on the line with the same guy. Is he the only guy that wors there I wonder; it sounds so busy, with a bustling background. Who are the others? We try it again. No joy. Try disconnecting your DSL. Same. Oh, you use USA Datanet? This won't work with any VOIP technology. Try calling me from a payphone.

VOIP, by the way, is all long distance these days. Thanks dude in Ohio with taped background noise. One For All I am angry with you and your shoddy upgrade service.

So I take matters into my own hands. The remote has a curious 6-prong plug inside the battery compartment. I wonder...

A few hours later I'm waist deep in an internet community of universal remote hackers. It seems you can buy some stuff, make a special cable, download a few programs, plug the remote into your computer, and upgrade the sucker yourself.

So I did it. After taking the boy to the doctor and having them gently stab him for vaccinations this morning, I went to OHM electronics, a cramped hole in the wall just around the corner from my house that I had never been to.

It was another world. The kind of local shop operated by a tradesman that is being slowly swallowed up by glossy prefab operations. Ubiquitous off-white pegboard wrapped around shelves which were a delicious combination of the new and the old. 5 1/2 inch floppy drives and parts from old TI machines shared space with USB kits and MP3 player accessories. 40 Days and 40 Nights comes from a random TV on the floor in an aisle near the cash register. The guy behind the counter obviously owns the place, and has for a while.

I hand him my list. I'm making a cable. Can you help me?

Obviously in no rush after the Radio Shack up the block shut down last month, he takes the paper and pushed his glasses up a little on his nose. "Hmm..." his voice trails off as he wanders back into a maze of towering cabinets with seemingly endless tiny drawers.

"You're in luck" he says after making a pile, one by one, of the exact resistors, interfaces, and diode that I need.

$4.50 in parts. Still cheaper than feeding coins into a payphone and playing onewayopenairmodem upgrade roulette. I also buy a small soldering iron. "You want a bag with that?" I expected paper, but it's a Wegmans bag. My kind of business.

Returning home to the music of 2Unlimited with exciting parts in hand, I take over the kitchen table. With and without help for the next hour I saw, solder, cut and curse until I finish the cable. See it here. I use two sets of instructions. One was much more in-depth, but you just can't say no to color.

After another hour figuring out that the easiest connection was the one I messed up, I got the whole computer connection up and running. Two more hours of fiddling and testing, fiddling and testing, mapping the keys this way and that, and everything is set. I now for the mere price of $4.50 in parts, 30 minutes on the phone, and 5 hours of labor have only one remote to use instead of two.

Then I put up a towel ring in the bathroom and made pesto while Sarah taught a horn lesson. After an episode of Deadwood, a conversation with the new bride, and a late-night run to the gym, it's nice to sit back and just write for a while.